


On Consolidating Mission Briefings and Pillow Talk

by 5ofSpades



Series: TFA short fills [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Community: tfa_kink, Crack, F/M, Fiscal Waste, Gen, Getting eaten is the right of all sentient beings, High Valued Prisoners are Delicious, If the Knights of Ren are really like this then Kylo might as well just stab himself, Lay back and think of the First Order Quarterly Budget, M/M, Multi, Mutilation, Other, Tea, The author sucks at thinking up names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 07:02:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6413677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5ofSpades/pseuds/5ofSpades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:<br/>Every single Knight of Ren ends up in a relationship with the General on the starship/ground forces they're deployed with. </p><p>Suggestions:<br/>+A Tarkin/NEVER TALKS Knight of Ren.<br/>+Swashbuckler!General/Ultra-civilized Knight of Ren. (One of them speaks in British Anachronisms ("Tally ho!"). The other is addicted to tea).<br/>+Gold-plated!Knight of Ren/Penny-pinching!General.<br/>The Generals commiserate on their respective Knights. The Knights gathers to gloat about their Generals with each another.</p><p>Summary: As prompted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Much thanks to a tfa_kink anon for the phrase  
> "...it makes for a much smoother command structure when you can combine briefings and pillow talk."

**+Gold-plated!Knight of Ren/Penny-pinching!General.**

**

"Awhhhhh I am blinded! Blinded by such great fiscal wastefulness!" screamed Lt. General Pennesworth.

"... wait…" Auric Ren looked down at his newly buffed gold-plated armor plate, looked up at the empty spot where the Lt. General was, looked down at the pair of fine Coruscant cuff links laying innocently in their appropriately expensive gift box, looked up at the empty spot where the Lt. General was again, and hung his head in dejection.

"Well I told you to take it off before asking our Lt. General to the year-end Officers' ball," Major Tarkin commented from the sidelines.

“Take what off?”

“It!” The lady Tarkin gestured at the Knight’s well-covered person entire. “Take it all off.”

**

 

**+A Tarkin/NEVER TALKS Knight of Ren.**

**

“…” said General Tarkin as he dabbled at the bit of sauce that had smeared at the corner of his mouth.

“.” said Lord Tacuisses Ren, a man of few words.

**

 

**+Swashbuckler!General/Ultra-civilized Knight of Ren.**

**

“Well, and there you have it, Camellia dear lass. And you too, my good lads,” gestured Major General Atteberrie at Chai Ren and the ensemble Stormtroopers. “The importance of clear and concise communication. Had this poor man bothered to double check with our Lady Ren, and procured the exact type of tea she had so politely asked for, he wouldn’t be in this predicament, now would he?”

Chai Ren, also known as Camellia to her parents, long long time ago, prodded the smuggler’s corpse with her fashionable durasteel-toed heels. Atteberrie was such a gentleman, to shoot the man for her (and for said man’s repeat failure at procuring other promised rations).

**

 

**The Knights gathers to gloat about their Generals with each another.**

**

Somewhere, over the Force.

“As I’ve said, such a gentleman, that when he beheld my naked form, he fainted right on the spot,” said Chai Ren in her shy voice, a cup of tea in her hands.

“Well, most people would faint at your freakish naked form. You got tentacles and eyes coming and going out of subspace at complete random beneath your robes!” Auric Ren was incredulous.

“So very rude Auric. But I shan’t fall to your base levels. So here I ask, how went your endeavour in consolidating mission briefings and pillow talk with your Lt. General?” sniffed Chai.

“Oh a complete success, when he beheld my beautiful naked form.”

“I think it was more because you were both also inebriated out of your minds at that point. Even a bantha would look attractive with the amount of alcohol you two indulged in,” Kylo Ren sniped.

“Lord Master Ren!” Auric Ren’s voice was full of hurt, as he raised one gold-plate armored arm over his gold-plate armor covered hearts (all three of them).

“How about Lord Master Ren’s General?” Chai blinked innocently.

“…”

“Come on, don’t be shy now, we shared our experiences,” Auric leered.

“… well, he let me stroke his cat, once…” mumbled Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren.

“Well that is…” Chai could not believe she got further than Lord Kylo, when Lord Kylo and General Hux were of the same species, even!

“Phfffaahahaha…ack” Auric would have laughed harder, had Kylo Ren not choked him, over the Force.

“..” said Tacuisses Ren, with twice the input that he usually gave. His evening of dinner and a political takeover went very smoothly. Very smoothly indeed.

**

 

**The Generals commiserate on their respective Knights.**

**

“So, now that we have all submitted our quarterly Knights of Ren related damage, upkeep, and personnel compensation reports, let us consolidate our findings, and come up with both next quarter’s overall special budget forecast, and propose better deterrent measures,” said General Hux over the First Order Field Commanders’ private com.

**

After the special budget meeting was adjourned, but before everyone logged off, General Tarkin tentatively raised a point.

“I know it is unorthodox, but have you tried sleeping with yours yet? Lay back and think of the Quarterly Budget and all?”

“No…” Atteberrie’s face looked a bit green.

“I can’t actually remember what happened. But it obviously did not work! That man is a wasteful spendthrift!” Pennesworth’s features were the very face of fiscal outrage.

“Absolutely Not! Meeting adjourned!” Hux’s pasty face blushed bright red from neck to crown.

**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take 2

**+Gold-plated!Knight of Ren/Penny-pinching!General. – Take 2**

**

"No you put it back, put it back right now," Lt. General Pennesworth was firm, despite his raised hand shaking in anger.

"But it is so beautiful, just like my armor!" Auric Ren pouted behind his mask. Behind him, dragged along on a trolley, was a giant golden statue.

“We are not taking an important cultural artifact of this system for personal decoration purposes right after signing a treaty with them!”

“But this system serves the First Order now!”

“This system is allied with the First Order, under certain treaty conditions only,” the Lt. General poked a stylus against Auric’s golden chest plate in irritation. He then ground out between clenched teeth in a quieter voice, “I’ve turned a blind eye when you collected useless trinkets to weigh down my ship in the past. I’ve even had men killed for you to keep your junk. But we are not going into active and expensive conflict with a whole system over a statue, Ren. Don’t. Ruin. This. For. Me.”

Auric was the very picture of disappointment. Even his armor seemed dimmer in his dejection. He did return the statue though.

**

“Just what is he? A creature evolved from some sort of magpie? A crow? This is the second time we had to expand Auric Ren’s quarters to fit all of his useless knickknacks. And he even refused to let me sell some of the older collections to recoup operational costs, on operations that we were forced to undertake to help him get all this junk,” Lt. General Pennesworth wondered out loud, as he scrolled through the extensive inventory update list submitted by Auric Ren.

"Well, he does have scales. Maybe his species evolved from dragons, hoarding all that gold," Major Tarkin suggested.

“Pfft a dragon? An oversized flappy lizard is more like it. And why in the name of the Old Empire did he fixate on me?”

“Well Sir, in case you haven’t noticed yet, you are the only golden blonde on this entire ship. One of the few in our entire military, even. I think Auric is partial to the colour. So on behave of the whole crew, I salute you, dear Lt. General, for taking one for the team!”

“Major Tarkin!!!”

**

 

**+A Tarkin/NEVER TALKS Knight of Ren. – Take 2**

**

Tacuisses Ren unnerved General Tarkin initially, silent and non-communicative, lurking about the ship like a shadow. But Tarkin men were famous for their stiff upper lips, so the General simply treated the Knight as yet another trial in the testing of his own mettle (Just like the unfeasible expectations, the lost drifting childhood, the harsh hands of the academy, and the years bleeding out his humanity to feed his military titles and achievements, he would overcome this hurdle too).

And like a shadow, Tacuisses Ren was non-obtrusive. He came and went quietly on Snoke’s orders alone. The crew sometimes barely noticed when the Knight was gone.

Tarkin wondered if this was some strange ritualistic phase of the Knights’ training, to be completely removed from all mortal connections, to speak no words, make no significant gestures, to reach out to no one, and encage oneself in total isolation.

The ship’s chief surgeon, an elderly aunt of General Tarkin’s, once suggested the Knight may be deaf. But that cannot be. Even with the Force, how could a man without hearing be so attuned to his surroundings? To come back alive again and again from impossible tasks with such a handicap?

**

A wise man once said no man could be as an island. And even islands were surrounded by the sea, covered by the sky, kept company by thousands of living things, if conditions permitted.

Tacuisses Ren, just like Tarkin, was only a man. And when Tacuisses finally lifted his smooth bland mask, Tarkin stared into milky unblinking eyes, and was kissed by a chapped mouth with a mutilated stub of a tongue.

The chief surgeon was vindicated in her observations. The Knight did not have functional ear drums. Both of them were pierced, as if by a deliberate instrument. The Knight did however have a brand on his hip. An alien, ugly design, that Tarkin had so irrationally itched to cover with the perfect geometry of the First Order’s own icon.

Tarkin felt humbled. A man who saw nothing, heard nothing, and spoke nothing. What were Tarkin’s trials and tribulations, compared to what this man must have endured? Compared to this man, who had clawed ahead, sightless soundless voiceless, none of which by his own choosing, all these long silent years?

**

 

**+Swashbuckler!General/Ultra-civilized Knight of Ren. – Take 2**

**

“Blow me down, but how was such a thing possible, Camellia my dear?” Major General Atteberrie stared at the two round bundles held tightly at Chai Ren’s ample bosoms, and again wondered if this was some sort of drug-induced hallucination.

“Oh Atteberrie, when you took my primary reproductive tentacle into your hands, I felt as if you’d touched all of my branchial hearts!” Chai Ren’s eyes were shining with pride and joy.

The two bundles (they look more tetrahedron now?) wiggled very healthy but not yet so vicious looking noodly appendages, extended from their impossible geometries, and smiled with their black hole-like mouths.

The Major General, now a proud new father, swore he saw devoured stars within those bottomless pits, and heard tiny happy squeaks of “Daddy! Daddy! Feed us tea!” directly in his head.

**

 

**The Knights gathers to gloat about their Generals with each another. – Take 2**

**

“So?” Auric asked while buffing his beautiful golden armor. 

“So?” Chai queried while feeding her babies the leg of a Resistance fighter. Waste not, want not.

“?” Tacuisses made the effort to convey a question.

“So, I’ve made great progress with General Hux,” Lord Kylo Ren cleared his throat, and announced.

Auric and Chai held their breaths in anticipation. Tacuisses simply projected a sense of expectation.

“Hux lets me pet and play with his cat now, regularly!”

“…”

“…”

“.”

“What? It is therapeutic! It helps me connect better with the Dark side of the Force!”

“The cat helps you connect with the Dark side of the Force?” Auric wanted to laugh, but didn’t want to get choked, again.

“Why do you need to connect with one or the other side of the Force? The Force is but one. You creatures who need the aid of midi-chlorians to access it are simply poor at bioresonance. You humans in particular are ever so peculiar,” Chai shook her head. Thank the spirits of the galaxy that her children took mostly after herself. Atteberrie was a darling, but his genetic material was simply subpar.

“...!” Even Tacuisses was most verbose for his person.

“Oh shut up all of you!”

**

 

**The Generals commiserate on their respective Knights. – Take 2**

**

“So, now that we have all submitted our high valued prisoner loss reports, let us consolidate our findings, and come up with better security measures and interrogation methods to prevent similar future loss,” said General Hux over the First Order Field Commanders’ private com.

**

“Well Hux old chap, you simply are caught by a case of horrible luck. Force sensitive prisoners one after another? No increased guard detail could have helped with that,” Major General Atteberrie lamented while sipping the tea his lovely (tentacled, eldritch abomination of a) wife had made him.

“At least Lord Kylo Ren does not accidentally kill the prisoners so readily anymore. How did you manage to get the man to calm down? Even the Supreme Leader’s training, you’ve said, had done little to curb his temper,” General Tarkin asked. His prisoners were fine. In fact one had so kindly donated his corneas for a very successful replacement surgery.

“Ah, let us say it was a delicate matter of discipline and balance, General,” Hux nodded respectfully at General Tarkin in acknowledgement, and turned his attention to the two lower ranked Generals currently at their virtual table. “Major General Atteberrie, Lt. General Pennesworth, from your data, might we infer that there are perhaps some overenthusiastic and unprofessional information extraction technicians due for re-education?”

“I think Lord Auric Ren may have, well may have been snacking on the prisoners behind my back…”

“I told her no, but my dear young wife was adamant about growing children and proper nutrition…”

“WHAT?!”

**


End file.
